Blue Collar Love Stories
From Monday evening.
The night was mine, but I gave four hours and fifteen minutes to Home Depot. I did it out of pity, wondering if I’m not giving them as much as I’m giving Target.
Work is the closest that I’ve ever come to a true relationship. I’m closer to work than with any person. That said, all of my jobs can be likened to a certain degree of intimacy. Even if I’m only in it for the money.
Quizno’s was my first kiss, and was left heartbroken when I snubbed her for my high school sweetheart, Jewel-Osco. But before getting with Jewel-Osco, I enjoyed a weekend fling with Baby Back Blues barbeque, which happened at a local festival. That was my first: a hundred and forty dollars cash. A year later, I broke Jewel-Osco’s heart when I left for college.
In school it was easy, fifty cash for putting away groceries for the fraternity chef. Easier than I expected, but it left me sidetracked from my studies, I abandoned it all, and that gig went on to other freshmen.
Back home I failed to woo Barnes & Noble. She apparently has high standards. Borders, too. Now she’s got problems of her own, though.
Months went by and I was desperate, so I spent a week with Kirby vacuums. A ten minute interview: she gave it up to everybody. It didn’t last, like I knew it wouldn’t , but I went on to a summer romance with the county forest preserve. We both knew from the start that it would be fleeting, and not last forever. So we spent it in vain, staring at the clouds while spending long afternoons in wooded areas. August came and we both went our separate ways.
Months passed in loneliness and everyone told me to get back with the forest preserve. I knew it wouldn’t happen. Instead I got caught up with Wal-Mart, an ugly bitch who came from money. She demanded more than she gave me, so I escaped with what little sanity she hadn’t taken from me. Those close to me wanted me to stick around for all the wrong reasons. True love it was not, however practical it may have been to make it work.
Then I met The Home Depot. Treated her as a rebound at first, and didn’t take her seriously. I stood her up a few times, without as much of a phone call. Only once did she threaten to break it off. She got over it, though, even when I stood her up once more.
Now I’m stuck in a love triangle. Me, The Home Depot, and Target. Home Depot doesn’t want me to leave her, and Target, after failing to win my affections back in ’09, finally won me over. It’s been a month now and she’s already hinting towards engagement. Last thing I want is to get married so young. Like I said, I’m only in it for the pussy.