Evolutionary Diagram: Revised

by G.T.

This is a piece that I wrote in June, which I thought would be a useful writing sample for the comedy writer interview that I had that month. A satirical essay that, ultimately, wasn’t necessary, because the creator of the show hired me without ever looking at it. So, having no better use for it, I thought I’d post it here. Some of the content refers to yesterday’s news, but it’s still recent enough (I’d say) for all of you to get it. Enjoy.

Evolutionary Diagram: Revised – By: George T. Mormann

        Due to the controversy surrounding the inclusion of the theory of evolution in American classrooms, students are not receiving a fully understandable instruction of the role evolution plays in the natural development of biological organisms. With that said, there is a very easy and agreeable solution to this mess that is, in my opinion, affecting our children’s ability to exceed their foreign counterparts in math and science, and thus, allowing the United States to remain an intellectual superiority over the students of lesser countries.

        The American education system must create a slightly revised version of the well known diagram of human evolution. The current diagram shows five bodies: the first being a short primate, hunched over with arms beating it’s chest, representing our first stage of life. The second, third, and fourth bodies are progressions of the species. The fifth and final stage being that of a human being, or known by it’s binomial nomenclature: homo sapiens.

        The change in the diagram would be such: presenting five stages of the evolution of only homo sapiens. Therefore, the parents of these children need not worry thinking that their child is being told that they were once gorillas, or worse, lemurs.

        The first stage in the new diagram of human evolution would be the lowest form of a critical thinking person: a member of the Tea Party Movement. Dressed in their blue polos and khaki pants because they have to leave the protest early and go to work, at Wal-Mart, they will be wielding a sign that bears a photo of President Obama with a Hitler mustache, and in the other hand, a giant neon colored mug containing diet soda to stay cool during those Summer protests. They are lead to believe that socialism is the scourge of human civilization, and therefore must assume that Sarah Palin introduced the ideas of public schools and workers rights.

        The second stage of human evolution is the mother and/or father of a child who becomes a juggalo. What the fuck did you do to your kid to make them turn to that shithole of a subculture?

        The third stage of the new diagram of human evolution would be the typical hipster. With his poor excuse of a haircut meant to be fashioned after Morrisey during his celibate years, the hipster will wear designer black rimmed eyeglasses while wearing his little sister’s jeans and a vintage cardigan that he bought at Goodwill. He will be smoking a hand rolled cigarette and drinking a tallboy of Pabst Blue Ribbon, and the white cord of his Ipod earphones will forever be dangling in front of him.

        Fourth in the diagram of the evolution of a critical thinking human is the environmentalist. Almost a fully competent, thinking individual, the environmentalist has one common flaw. In their attempts to preserve mother nature and the well being of this planet, they never fail to inadvertently screw up the ecosystem over and over again. On a small scale, chaining themselves to trees to prevent deforestation damages the protective external layer of a tree’s bark, which prevents fungi and other parasitic organisms from easily infecting the tree. Once the tree is infected and eventually dead, it is usually chopped down anyway, and shredded into mulch, where the parasite can survive and go on to infect other trees wherever that mulch is laid. On a much larger scale, environmentalists influence oil companies to drill farther and farther from shore. Perhaps this is their form of job security, because now, they have plenty of rocks to scrub clean in Louisiana.

        The fifth and highest stage in the diagram is the human who exhibits the highest level of critical thinking, and is therefore, the most evolved human being in modern society. This individual is able to see through every form of deception that the aforementioned lower beings exhibit themselves. In a crisis, they are often the only people who fully realize what is happening, while everybody else is wailing their arms and tweeting their loved ones. This stage of human is a modern day philosopher who enlightens others with their wisdom and analysis of the world at large. The only ones who wield the inexplicable power to create laughter. He is the comedian.

A few hours ago, I read that comedian, Greg Giraldo, had died this past week. Not often am I awe striken when a celebrity dies, but my mouth gaped upon seeing a photo of him, and the word, “dies”, beside it. So I’ll dedicate this humble piece of comedy that few people will read to Greg Giraldo. May he rest in peace. Various groups of people were made fun of in this essay, so perhaps he would’ve found some humor in it.