Rants

by G.T.

These are some comic shorts that I wrote back in early Summer. I particularly like the middle piece.

        In an attempt to eliminate the illicit drug trafficking that is rampant throughout Central and South America, as well as the Middle East, the U.S. Government should deploy elite squadrons of gangster rappers to consume all of the world’s drug crop, using any method necessary, whether it be smoking, snorting, injecting, or mixing into batches of chocolate brownies. Doing so would drastically reduce drug related violence, fatalities caused by overdoses, and revive the careers of Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston. Another possible benefit would be the return of YO MTV Raps!, since there will be a spike in recording studio chronic smoking sessions, which studies show will lead to more drug induced raps about toting glock 9mm’s and 22 inch rims, because we all know that rap has been lacking these themes for the past decade.

        One of the most depressing shows on television would have to be Dancing with the Stars. Why? To my knowledge, the show’s largest demographic is forty-something divorcees who chain smoke Virginia Slims Ultra Lights (as if those cigarettes could get any weaker), and cohabitate with at least eight to nine cats, in a dimly lit household covered in floral patterned wallpaper, couches, tablecloths, dishware, and XXXXL muumuus. The show convinces women that this is their fantasy: to dress in skimpy attire and waltz with a D-List celebrity to a cover version of an Enrique Iglesias ballad that is so terrible, the KidzBop album producer rejected it. To further press my argument, is it just me, or are the only sponsors for this show products aimed toward the bitter cat lady demographic? Duncan Hines, Edy’s slow churned ice cream, Meow Mix, and Sally Field endorsing Boniva. Did I forget to mention the occasional advertisement for Lifetime’s newest made-for-t.v. movie about a middle aged, menopausal woman taking revenge against a husband who cheated on her with a, you guessed it, young, attractive dance instructor? Everything about Dancing with the Stars disturbs me. It is an exploitation of one of our nation’s most important groups of people: the women who call their friends and explain everything they have eaten that day.

        By far the worst problem in the city of Chicago is the widespread gang violence that has plagued this fine city for years, and only continues to worsen despite the efforts of law enforcement and community outreach programs. The gang problem is so severe that it more than often becomes the topic of national news, and as of late, international news. What I propose is this one solution. Legalize all currently illegal drugs, and in turn, outlaw college degrees. Think of the shift this will cause in Chicago crime. Rather than being beaten senselessly as an initiation into a gang, one will need to score a minimum of 25 on their ACT, or 1800 on their SAT. Universities and all other institutions of higher learning will now be regarded as the new cartels or “La Familias”, feeding the nation’s addiction for bachelor’s and master’s degrees that will offer these knowledge fiends their new high: better job opportunities. The cost of degrees will likely remain as ludicrously expensive as they currently are now, and because drugs will only hinder one’s chances at earning their much desired degree, cocaine, heroin, and methamphetamine will be soon forgotten. Marijuana will remain a commonly used drug, primarily because there will always be creative writing majors.